Mizz Oozem and the Dunce Factory
Mizz Oozem works in the state OAG (Office of the Attorney General- which is generally neutral, particularly under the current AG, Lord Elliot, who reinstated the tenant's rights booklets). Oozem is a member of the supersecret 'Dunce Factory' which is of unknown size and exists without the knowledge of the state Attorney General and follows its own agenda.
Her objectives in any case she handles is to:
a. trick judges into making extremely stupid rulings
b. obstruct justice in all its forms
c. waste the maximum number of tax dollars
d. violate the rules of ethics (her personal favorite ethical violation is to give bad legal advice to her unrepresented opponents and to browbeat them into thinking that proceeding pro se is somehow illegal).
e. abuse pro se opponents in all ways from great to petty.
Oozem has the standard steel state armor and a standard "Old Battle-axe" of the OAG, but has added a secret "Dunce Factory" dunce cap- which she uses to perform the DDA, or Devastating Dunce Attack. This is achieved by lowering her head, snorting, charging like a goat and impaling opponents. This absurd and ridiculous weapon is useless against Barracudi, but does severe damage to pro se's before biased judges. This cap widens at the base to become a standard OAG official hat (similar to a coolie hat in shape) whenever Oozem cloaks her Dunce Factory affiliation in the presence of ethical coworkers.
Oozem also has the dialtone. By intoning the word "Duh" in a monotonous chant, she creates a sound like a dial tone. This sound induces a trance-like state in all but the smartest judges (it is absolutely useless in front of the Second Circuit, but has some mind-numbing effects on lower federal judicial officials and clerks; it is very effective in state court). Success is achieved when the hapless judge is so convinced that Oozem's chants are a real dialtone that he or she attempts to dial the phone.
To call Oozem stupid would be unfair. She is a considered a genius in the world of malicious dunces. Stupidity like hers is legendary. She is a contender and hopes to win gold in the Duncelympics (against the reigning champions, the Patent and Trademark office- PTO). In the Duncelympics the goal is to trick a judge into making incredibly stupid rulings. Oozem has accomplished world class results: She got a Federal Judge to apply Younger abstention to a case with none of the three required prongs present. She's made bold attempts to persuade the Second Circuit to rule that bribery is a "state-protected activity". She's even managed to get judges to rule that government attorneys aren't required to act ethically.
Sometimes when judges shake off the effects of the dialtone,
they are too embarrassed to admit that their intelligence was so easily diminished
and try to sweep the record under the rug and avoid review. Oozem only fights
pro ses, or unrepresented people, in court. She is not a Barracudi by any
stretch of the imagination. She is very comfortable with Shysters, and can
use some of their powers, especially sewage blast- but not the Flush Teleport.
So she is not really a Shyster either. She is a construct that can only exist
while protected by state armor. Despite her accomplishments the Dunce Factory
faces tough competition for Dunce Gold. The PTO has unveiled patents on the
letter 'a', the wheel, and browser pop-up windows. The PTO has also unvieled
a trademark on the phrase "have a nice day". If the PTO's entries are upheld
by the courts, even Oozem's 'dunce genius' may be overshadowed by the reigning
Mizz Oozem's favorite character is the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz whom she mimics in a maliscious way. She has been known to skip around her office singing, "If I only had a brain!" As some readers may be aware, the Scarecrow sang that part but Oozem never quite figured that out. But not to worry, she is truly lacking a heart as well.